So as many of you may know my mother is very ill. She has been diabetic for the majority of her life. The diabetes has progressed destroying her pancreas and causing renal failure plus congestive heart failure. She is 53 years old. Over the past few years she has been in and out of the hospitals and nursing homes. Her quality of life has been non-existent over the past few years. Being 53 years old living in a traveling hospital bed and receiving kidney dialysis on a 3-4x week basis has been incredibly difficult on not only her but her families morale. A couple of months ago she had open heart surgery to repair valves and insert a pacemaker and it has all sadly been downhill from there. I give credit to her doctors for giving their all to what some may have viewed as a lost cause. This past week on Monday she coded and was brought back and placed on a ventilator. As a family we have decided after several days of watching her grasps for recovery from yet another blow to stop life support. She may make it through this but we are going to be taking a pain management route going forward. An incredibly strong woman defeating every odd against her is at her stopping point. This has been a very difficult time for her and her family. I am not the praying type but ask for your thoughts at this time as my family braces ourselves for the likelihood that we will lose a member very shortly. I will post updates of any kind as they progress and if she does not make it past the removal of the ventilator when the services will be. Thank you in advance for your kind words and thoughts. They truthfully mean the world to my family. As a community we are a family and this will be a difficult next few hours, days, weeks. Your support will not go unnoticed.
mentalillness
My apologies
I haven’t devoted the time to this in the past few weeks that I would really have liked to. More posts are in the works and I have no intention of stopping anytime soon. Latley life has been hectic between work and life I just haven’t had the chance to work on this. A couple quick updates for those who know me personally. I am switching roles at work in a move geared towards opportunity and growth within my organization. I will always be passionate about Loss Prevention but see the need to branch out into the many worlds of Best Buy. My mental health seems to be stable latley as I feel less depressed than usual. This is where I would be comfortable with my mind but the nature of the beast is that could change at any time. My mother’s health has greatly deteriorated and I am not a religious person but if you are this would definitely be a time for prayer. I started to get behind on my exercise plan and put on a few more pounds than I would have liked so in this past week I have stepped my game up. Any questions? As always Just live your life…
what is love?
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 1 Corinthians 13:4
What do you love? Who do you love? Why? Love is a strong word as is its opposite Hate. I love a lot of things. I hate a lot of things. These are just expressions. I am not actually in love with Stacy’s pita chips or Port Wine cheese. I am not actually in love with my cat. But I love chips and my cat. I hate people who chew ice. I don’t actually hate these people. So what do I love? I’m not sure what love actually is so I can’t answer this. I wish I could because it sounds like a great four letter word. Unconditional love baffles me. I do not understand this either. Any insight would be greatly appreciated… Just live your life.
Bittersweet Ending Rehab Recap
Today was my final day of Outpatient Rehab. I got my discharge papers, a letter to show the courts and a lot of resources to continue on with my sobriety. 38 days after I decided to go and 38 days sober here’s where I am. I am glad that I am exiting at this time, I really wasn’t caring for the turnover and the people coming into the group. This was nothing against them just they all seemed to be in the honeymoon phase which has long passed for me. There were a few people I passed my information a long to for them to keep in touch. I know this is extremely discouraged so I put this site, an email address, and my phone number down and handed it to them with an apology of sorts for breaking the rules but offering to them if they wanted to keep in touch they could. I felt this was the best way to do this, leave it on their terms. Maybe we didn’t connect the way I thought and if they choose to not keep up I won’t be upset. I will miss the everyday structure of Monday-Friday having something that I had to do. I will replace this with work and spend my free time as the loner at the library. I took a lot from the groups everyday but a few of my regrets are falling asleep while my medications were being adjusted. I couldn’t help this but I wanted to be there in body and mind for every second. I won’t lose sleep over this. I also regret not admitting to anyone but the staff my sexuality. I never did because I didn’t feel that anyone would have been able to relate and how important to my sobriety is this. I feel ashamed that I didn’t but at the same time I don’t know that it would have helped me or anyone else. My only other regret is that it’s over. I have done the mental health program there before and I wasn’t ready. Now that I have completed the chemical dependency side I am scared for the future. I am taking what I learned in such short time and applying it to life. One day at a time… Overall I am feeling better. I don’t feel the need to drink today. I am very depressed and stressed but I know that if I continue with what I am doing now I will eventually come out of this slump. Hope is a strategy. Im alright. Just live your life. No Ragrats…
Hope is not a strategy
It’s been a few days since I have posted anything. I have been legitimately busy and wanting to get on here but not had the time. In the time since my last post several things have occured. I reached one month of sobriety. I found out my exit date for outpatient rehab(one week from today) and I have been working closer to full time hours. These are all accomplishments to be proud of but I am still severely depressed. Go figure. We all talk about hope in this life path and people in this field preach it. That hope exists and things may get better. There is a book out there called hope is not a strategy. It makes sense towards what its focusing on, sales. This is life and just a little bit different. Hope is a strategy. I found this article which explains it best. It gives a solid description and definition of hope and how to apply it. Read it and just live your life.
Nobody likes you when you’re 23.
For some reason I am having trouble with the WordPress website on my laptop. I wrote this yesterday so I am actually 24…
Today I am sober 23 days. Nobody likes you when you’re 23. I don’t like myself right now. The honeymoon phase of my new sobriety is fading. I am no longer excited everyday with new reasons to be sober. I have found myself contemplating drinking in times when no one would find out. I was never as bad as that person sitting in group. STOP. I have a case of the not me’s. This is a post on self-awareness and fear. I may not be as far gone as some alcoholics or had the life experiences that forced me into survival mode at a young age but I need to stop. Look back at myself and realize that that’s not me is not an acceptable answer. I am my own type of alcoholic. I cannot hide behind the idea that I was not that bad. I was bad. I cannot hide behind the idea that my life was never that bad. It was bad in its own way. I am scared for the life that follows here. I am in the outpatient program for a limited time. I have to take what I can from this and make it last the rest of my life. That is terrifying. Think back to a time you had in school or a camp where you learned something. Now remember everything you can and live the rest of your life off of it. It sound’s ridiculous but that’s what I am doing. I haven’t started attending meetings and I know that I need to because it’s a way to hold myself accountable. I’ve never been able to hold myself accountable but a tool is right in front of me that is tried and works for millions. Why? I don’t have an answer for that. I could give you excuses about why I dislike A.A. but I can also tell you why I dislike the color blue. At the end of the day I am just in denial. Denial is my friend and like alcohol it has gotten me nowhere. I keep making the excuse that I am going to go to the Refuge Recovery meeting at the Temple but in reality I have to see that for now in this moment saying that I am going to that meeting and never making it is not going to a meeting. I need to go to a meeting. If I continue on this path now that the honeymoon feeling of helping myself is over, well I know how it ends. Complacency is a cold hearted bitch and I am heading right towards her because I know her just as well as denial and alcohol. I cannot become content with the thought of drinking ever again. I’m not ready for the rest of my life and I have gotten past the number one rule. One day at a time. Panic attack over. Focus on the moment Ben. Wake up tomorrow, kick ass, repeat. Time to check in with myself and start a new day as just that, a new day. One day at a time. Call me out on something, Please.
You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant.
Today in conversation an artist and song came up. Having not heard this in some time I sought it out on the wonderful internet and found a way to tie it into this blog. The song is called Alice’s Restaurant and this quote by the artist Arlo Guthrie on the song makes it relevant here. “There are times when you have to do stuff even if it cuts against the grain of who you are.” I have to do what I am doing for myself. Even if someones story has nothing to do with you find a way to relate it back to yourself. Find meaning in everything. I got what I wanted from Alice’s Restaurant, will you?
The article there is an entertaining read. If you don’t know the story of Alice’s Restaurant you should listen to all 18.5 minutes of getting out of the Vietnam draft for littering. They even made a movie out of it. Here is the song and a link to another interview on the song from All Things Considered on NPR.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5028273
Somewhere over the rainbow…
Admitting to myself that I was gay was just as hard as admitting that I am an alcoholic. I grew up in a fairly conservative community where even in the year 2015 it isn’t exactly widely accepted. I’ve dated and slept with girls and to them I apologize. For real it wasn’t you, it was me. I’ve only been out since mid-October and it’s not exactly been the smoothest transition. I never expected it to be. There are still people I haven’t told and there are still people who tell me in their close minded views that I’m just going through a phase but in due time they will all either have to be on board or jump ship. I’m not a very feminine guy so there has been some ease with some people never even questioning it. I’m no longer embarrassed by telling people but having that makes it nice that it just doesn’t come up sometimes. I don’t identify myself as someone who needs to proclaim it to the world but I tell people that I feel should know to better our relationships. By doing this it allows me to be more open about my feelings and not have to cover parts of my stories or lifestyle because of the fear they may know. I see this as a personal strength. I am telling people to improve our options for conversation and ability to really know each other. For the most part nobody has had a problem with it. I haven’t told my mother due to her deteriorating health, even though I feel she’s mature enough to love me for who I am she has so much on her plate that it just hasn’t come up. People at work who read this have been exceptionally professional about it even though in our shop talk manner I expect a few gay jokes down the road. I even make them myself. I still vote Republican and plan on continuing to do so. I do identify more as a libertarian but in America we elect Democrats and Republicans and the lesser of two evils is always the better choice. There is even a gay Republican group that advocates for gay issues within the party. Check them out if you’re interested. www.logcabin.org So on being an open gay republican in McHenry County Illinois, it’s fabulous. I am going to continue to live my life but with less to hide. I hope someday to get married and that shit’s legal now in Illinois and possibly even have kids because that’s possible too. If you don’t like it suck a dick. Just live your life…
there are things that used to make me smile…
This is mainly a photo post of a few pictures that make me smile. Today I am forcing myself to smile. There have been some great obstacles overcame today. Also I have been sober for 21 days. That make’s it my 21st birthday right? Just kidding, Have the best day ever.
Life goes on. It’s hard for me to remember a time when I was truly happy. I look at some of these pictures and they help me remember what it felt like. Make today your bitch, one day at a time. Remember how you once felt and strive to feel better with every day. These are things that used to make me smile.
Hope they made you smile too.
Partner in Crime
Let me tell you all about my partner in crime. She is like a little sister to me. I hate her but at the end of the day she’s always had my back. We love T. Mill’s and hate the dog. We tag team Aunt Lisa and look out for each other. Don’t mess with her because I am as protective of her as I am my real sister. Boy’s step back, you’re never going to be good enough for her. My real sister got married to a great guy so now she’s all I have to look out for. I will find you if you hurt her and your grandma and your mom and your dog and you get the picture. Shes still a bitch, but she’s my bitch and I love her.
benfredrick 