Nobody likes you when you’re 23.

For some reason I am having trouble with the WordPress website on my laptop. I wrote this yesterday so I am actually 24…

Today I am sober 23 days. Nobody likes you when you’re 23. I don’t like myself right now. The honeymoon phase of my new sobriety is fading. I am no longer excited everyday with new reasons to be sober. I have found myself contemplating drinking in times when no one would find out. I was never as bad as that person sitting in group. STOP. I have a case of the not me’s. This is a post on self-awareness and fear. I may not be as far gone as some alcoholics or had the life experiences that forced me into survival mode at a young age but I need to stop. Look back at myself and realize that that’s not me is not an acceptable answer. I am my own type of alcoholic. I cannot hide behind the idea that I was not that bad. I was bad. I cannot hide behind the idea that my life was never that bad. It was bad in its own way. I am scared for the life that follows here. I am in the outpatient program for a limited time. I have to take what I can from this and make it last the rest of my life. That is terrifying. Think back to a time you had in school or a camp where you learned something. Now remember everything you can and live the rest of your life off of it. It sound’s ridiculous but that’s what I am doing. I haven’t started attending meetings and I know that I need to because it’s a way to hold myself accountable. I’ve never been able to hold myself accountable but a tool is right in front of me that is tried and works for millions. Why? I don’t have an answer for that. I could give you excuses about why I dislike A.A. but I can also tell you why I dislike the color blue. At the end of the day I am just in denial. Denial is my friend and like alcohol it has gotten me nowhere. I keep making the excuse that I am going to go to the Refuge Recovery meeting at the Temple but in reality I have to see that for now in this moment saying that I am going to that meeting and never making it is not going to a meeting. I need to go to a meeting. If I continue on this path now that the honeymoon feeling of helping myself is over, well I know how it ends. Complacency is a cold hearted bitch and I am heading right towards her because I know her just as well as denial and alcohol. I cannot become content with the thought of drinking ever again. I’m not ready for the rest of my life and I have gotten past the number one rule. One day at a time. Panic attack over. Focus on the moment Ben. Wake up tomorrow, kick ass, repeat. Time to check in with myself and start a new day as just that, a new day. One day at a time. Call me out on something, Please.

You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant.

Today in conversation an artist and song came up. Having not heard this in some time I sought it out on the wonderful internet and found a way to tie it into this blog. The song is called Alice’s Restaurant and this quote by the artist Arlo Guthrie on the song makes it relevant here. “There are times when you have to do stuff even if it cuts against the grain of who you are.” I have to do what I am doing for myself. Even if someones story has nothing to do with you find a way to relate it back to yourself. Find meaning in everything. I got what I wanted from Alice’s Restaurant, will you?

http://www.rollingstone.com/music/features/arlo-guthrie-looks-back-on-50-years-of-alices-restaurant-20141126#ixzz3WaAWE3q2

The article there is an entertaining read. If you don’t know the story of Alice’s Restaurant you should listen to all 18.5 minutes of getting out of the Vietnam draft for littering. They even made a movie out of it. Here is the song and a link to another interview on the song from All Things Considered on NPR.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5028273

Somewhere over the rainbow…

Admitting to myself that I was gay was just as hard as admitting that I am an alcoholic. I grew up in a fairly conservative community where even in the year 2015 it isn’t exactly widely accepted. I’ve dated and slept with girls and to them I apologize. For real it wasn’t you, it was me. I’ve only been out since mid-October and it’s not exactly been the smoothest transition. I never expected it to be. There are still people I haven’t told and there are still people who tell me in their close minded views that I’m just going through a phase but in due time they will all either have to be on board or jump ship. I’m not a very feminine guy so there has been some ease with some people never even questioning it. I’m no longer embarrassed by telling people but having that makes it nice that it just doesn’t come up sometimes. I don’t identify myself as someone who needs to proclaim it to the world but I tell people that I feel should know to better our relationships. By doing this it allows me to be more open about my feelings and not have to cover parts of my stories or lifestyle because of the fear they may know. I see this as a personal strength. I am telling people to improve our options for conversation and ability to really know each other. For the most part nobody has had a problem with it. I haven’t told my mother due to her deteriorating health, even though I feel she’s mature enough to love me for who I am she has so much on her plate that it just hasn’t come up. People at work who read this have been exceptionally professional about it even though in our shop talk manner I expect a few gay jokes down the road. I even make them myself. I still vote Republican and plan on continuing to do so. I do identify more as a libertarian but in America we elect Democrats and Republicans and the lesser of two evils is always the better choice. There is even a gay Republican group that advocates for gay issues within the party. Check them out if you’re interested. www.logcabin.org So on being an open gay republican in McHenry County Illinois, it’s fabulous. I am going to continue to live my life but with less to hide. I hope someday to get married and that shit’s legal now in Illinois and possibly even have kids because that’s possible too. If you don’t like it suck a dick. Just live your life…

there are things that used to make me smile…

This is mainly a photo post of a few pictures that make me smile. Today I am forcing myself to smile. There have been some great obstacles overcame today. Also I have been sober for 21 days. That make’s it my 21st birthday right? Just kidding, Have the best day ever.

Life goes on. It’s hard for me to remember a time when I was truly happy. I look at some of these pictures and they help me remember what it felt like. Make today your bitch, one day at a time. Remember how you once felt and strive to feel better with every day. These are things that used to make me smile.

Hope they made you smile too.

Partner in Crime

Let me tell you all about my partner in crime. She is like a little sister to me. I hate her but at the end of the day she’s always had my back. We love T. Mill’s and hate the dog. We tag team Aunt Lisa and look out for each other. Don’t mess with her because I am as protective of her as I am my real sister. Boy’s step back, you’re never going to be good enough for her. My real sister got married to a great guy so now she’s all I have to look out for. I will find you if you hurt her and your grandma and your mom and your dog and you get the picture. Shes still a bitch, but she’s my bitch and I love her.

Is reading brobible a trigger for me?

I read the posts on BroBible & TFM on a daily basis. They are great for providing mindless often humor filled reads. Their links are below, read up.

http://www.brobible.com

http://www.totalfratmove.com

I am writing this post because I find myself questioning are these sites a trigger for me. After reading the article below I related to the authors ending note for the article.

http://www.brobible.com/life/article/new-drug-sweeping-florida-called-flakka/

“I live by the motto “Try Everything Once.” Which most of the time turns into “Try Everything Once, And Then Do It Until Your Friends Sit You Down And Tell You It’s Becoming A Problem.” But “Try Everything Once” sounds cleaner.

But even I have a threshold. I never thought I’d say this, but even I have standards. And I’m not sure I’d want to subject my already deteriorating body to something that’s going to make me strip down and fuck a fence.

Unless all my boys were doing it, then fuck it, let’s see what happens.”

This is me, to a tee. I have relapsed before based off the fuck its… Now the fuck its are on my mind. I am stronger today than I was yesterday but had I read this article yesterday I may have not made it through. I was so pissed off yesterday that the fuck its might have won. Do I need to stop reading these sites because if I’m in a bad mood they may lead me down a path destined for relapse. I’m only sober 18 days and am at a point of extreme worry for this weekend because of Sunday. Sunday is Easter and I have no plans. I don’t do well with no plans, history is evident of that. So now I have read an article about the fuck its going into a weekend where I won’t have to go to work on Sunday and I won’t have anything to do. I’m terrified. Our weekend planning group suggested to me that I go to a meeting or two this weekend because I expressed this fear to them. I hate meetings. In the past meetings have been triggers for me, I go and all these people are talking about drinking… I know this is a terrible excuse not to go and that’s what it is an excuse. Knowing something and acting on them are very difficult for an addict. For now I will search for something positive and productive to do until then. In the mean time I will tell you about my two biggest triggers.

Season change – spring is here and I want to get trashed and walk around in the sunlight numb to the world. Summer rolls around and I want to be on a boat with a drink in hand. When fall comes I want to sit around a bonfire and drink away my pain. When winter is here I want to hide in the darkness of the short days with my best friend alcohol.

Knowing I don’t have plans, Plans falling through…- I require structure at all times. Every time I have fallen off the wagon it’s been when I didn’t have anything to do. If someone cancels on me I immediately catastrophize and assume it’s because of something I said or did and say fuck it because it hurts too bad to step back and realize that it was nothing on me.

I look forward to the challenge of staying sober this weekend. For the time being I will be refraining from reading these sites.

Just live your life…

Life aint easy

From the outside looking in it seems that I’m fine but they don’t know shit about the everyday grind. The whole sobriety thing is one day at a time. I have never experienced cravings for alcohol before but this weather being so nice out and my shitty mood this week have me wanting a drink. I want to get trashed and walk around in the sunlight and feel numb. I’m not acting on this want because its not something I need. That’s the important part of life, determining what you want versus what you need. Even though I want to do this it’s the very last thing I need. I want to be happy but I only need to be content. I want a million dollars but I only need to get by. I want want want but I need to bring myself back to do I really need any of those things. I want a significant other but I only need the love of the people around me. I want to have a fun life filled with all of the emotions which is an attainable want but I only need to be alive. Life is not easy but it’s manageable with the right perspective. My goal for today is to look for the positive. I am grateful for the moment. Just live your life…

Perception

Perception: [ pərˈsepSHən ] NOUN the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses: “the normal limits to human perception”

What’s happening right in front of you? What are you choosing to see? Perception is a key concept to ownership and awareness(my two favorite words). Do you own your life and are you aware of what is happening in it? Are you too focused on one thing that you may be missing another opportunity? What opportunities have you missed only to later realize how attainable they may have been if you had just seen them? What can a dose of clarity do for your life right now? Where is your focus? Don’t be narrow minded. We get tunnel vision to protect ourselves but may be hurting ourselves. Step outside of your safety zone, test the boundaries. See the whole picture. Play the tape all the way through. Food for thought… I know that I can work on this. Just live your life…

CBT Crash Course

Cognitive Behavior Therapy

In my many years of therapy this has been one common thread. Most therapists I have dealt with use this. It can be very helpful but at the same time difficult to use if you’re stubborn like me. The whole concept is to reframe your thoughts to promote a positive behavior to a negative situation. This is the best model picture I found online.

Okay I lied these were better model pictures I found…

But back to CBT… This is how I took notes on it when I was first taught it what seems like a very long time ago:

Situation/Event>Automatic Thoughts(+,-)>Reaction(Behavioral, Emotional, Physiological +,-)

Identify the negative thought.

Ask what was going through my mind.

What was just thought?

Evaluate for validity, is that thought true or false.

Evaluate for utility, does it even really matter.

REFRAME

RESTRUCTURE

Positive and Realistic now prove original automatic thought to be untrue.

What does that mean? So something happens. This will cause an immediate thought. Now where the therapy part comes in. STOP! take that immediate thought and look at what happened. Do you have control over it? Does it matter? Ask yourself questions to analyze this situation. Change your immediate thought into a positive or less negative one. Something you can accept before you act on the situation. This method can be very helpful given the person puts effort into the thought process.

Here’s an article that covers it in a more in depth manner. This was just the CBT for Dummies By Ben. Oh and remember just live your life…

http://psychology.about.com/od/psychotherapy/a/cbt.htm

Newport living

Everyone’s a let down it just depends on how far down they can go… We build ourselves up and plans and people change. Life goes on. I myself am someone who is devastated when this happens. I feel like its personal. I know it’s not but that’s what goes on in my mind. I have to work on reframing those thoughts. I myself have let people down many times. I never meant for it to be personal but I am sure there are a few people out there that have felt as if it was. This is a major part of my flaws and I will have trouble with this for a while but practice makes perfect. I am working on being a better person. I am done lying and hiding behind a façade. The amount of gray area in my life ends here. I am taking ownership of my own life. No more selling out or myself short. My potential is massive and I must seize the carp. I was a sell out but I couldn’t even do that right. If you lie you don’t deserve have friends. I want the support and companionship friends offer. I need it. Honesty is where I start. I have opened my heart up and presented it to all of you for the hope that people can see I am at the turning point. I am heading down that road less traveled. Hopefully you all see my sincerity and desire for friendship. Please respect that I am at a very difficult place in my life and may struggle with these changes. Call me out on anything, I need it. Liqour doesn’t exist in my perfect world. The world isn’t perfect but I can strive to be my best self and the people who matter will be right along side me. Have patience, one of us has to.