Quality of life

So as many of you may know my mother is very ill. She has been diabetic for the majority of her life. The diabetes has progressed destroying her pancreas and causing renal failure plus congestive heart failure. She is 53 years old. Over the past few years she has been in and out of the hospitals and nursing homes. Her quality of life has been non-existent over the past few years. Being 53 years old living in a traveling hospital bed and receiving kidney dialysis on a 3-4x week basis has been incredibly difficult on not only her but her families morale. A couple of months ago she had open heart surgery to repair valves and insert a pacemaker and it has all sadly been downhill from there. I give credit to her doctors for giving their all to what some may have viewed as a lost cause. This past week on Monday she coded and was brought back and placed on a ventilator. As a family we have decided after several days of watching her grasps for recovery from yet another blow to stop life support. She may make it through this but we are going to be taking a pain management route going forward. An incredibly strong woman defeating every odd against her is at her stopping point. This has been a very difficult time for her and her family. I am not the praying type but ask for your thoughts at this time as my family braces ourselves for the likelihood that we will lose a member very shortly. I will post updates of any kind as they progress and if she does not make it past the removal of the ventilator when the services will be. Thank you in advance for your kind words and thoughts. They truthfully mean the world to my family. As a community we are a family and this will be a difficult next few hours, days, weeks. Your support will not go unnoticed.

My apologies

I haven’t devoted the time to this in the past few weeks that I would really have liked to. More posts are in the works and I have no intention of stopping anytime soon. Latley life has been hectic between work and life I just haven’t had the chance to work on this. A couple quick updates for those who know me personally. I am switching roles at work in a move geared towards opportunity and growth within my organization. I will always be passionate about Loss Prevention but see the need to branch out into the many worlds of Best Buy. My mental health seems to be stable latley as I feel less depressed than usual. This is where I would be comfortable with my mind but the nature of the beast is that could change at any time. My mother’s health has greatly deteriorated and I am not a religious person but if you are this would definitely be a time for prayer. I  started to get behind on my exercise plan and put on a few more pounds than I would have liked so in this past week I have stepped my game up. Any questions? As always Just live your life…

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what is love?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 1 Corinthians 13:4

What do you love? Who do you love? Why? Love is a strong word as is its opposite Hate. I love a lot of things. I hate a lot of things. These are just expressions. I am not actually in love with Stacy’s pita chips or Port Wine cheese. I am not actually in love with my cat. But I love chips and my cat. I hate people who chew ice. I don’t actually hate these people. So what do I love? I’m not sure what love actually is so I can’t answer this. I wish I could because it sounds like a great four letter word. Unconditional love baffles me. I do not understand this either. Any insight would be greatly appreciated… Just live your life.

Bittersweet Ending Rehab Recap

Today was my final day of Outpatient Rehab. I got my discharge papers, a letter to show the courts and a lot of resources to continue on with my sobriety. 38 days after I decided to go and 38 days sober here’s where I am. I am glad that I am exiting at this time, I really wasn’t caring for the turnover and the people coming into the group. This was nothing against them just they all seemed to be in the honeymoon phase which has long passed for me. There were a few people I passed my information a long to for them to keep in touch. I know this is extremely discouraged so I put this site, an email address, and my phone number down and handed it to them with an apology of sorts for breaking the rules but offering to them if they wanted to keep in touch they could. I felt this was the best way to do this, leave it on their terms. Maybe we didn’t connect the way I thought and if they choose to not keep up I won’t be upset. I will miss the everyday structure of Monday-Friday having something that I had to do. I will replace this with work and spend my free time as the loner at the library. I took a lot from the groups everyday but a few of my regrets are falling asleep while my medications were being adjusted. I couldn’t help this but I wanted to be there in body and mind for every second. I won’t lose sleep over this. I also regret not admitting to anyone but the staff my sexuality. I never did because I didn’t feel that anyone would have been able to relate and how important to my sobriety is this. I feel ashamed that I didn’t but at the same time I don’t know that it would have helped me or anyone else. My only other regret is that it’s over. I have done the mental health program there before and I wasn’t ready. Now that I have completed the chemical dependency side I am scared for the future. I am taking what I learned in such short time and applying it to life. One day at a time… Overall I am feeling better. I don’t feel the need to drink today. I am very depressed and stressed but I know that if I continue with what I am doing now I will eventually come out of this slump. Hope is a strategy. Im alright. Just live your life. No Ragrats…

Hope is not a strategy

It’s been a few days since I have posted anything. I have been legitimately busy and wanting to get on here but not had the time. In the time since my last post several things have occured. I reached one month of sobriety. I found out my exit date for outpatient rehab(one week from today) and I have been working closer to full time hours. These are all accomplishments to be proud of but I am still severely depressed. Go figure. We all talk about hope in this life path and people in this field preach it. That hope exists and things may get better. There is a book out there called hope is not a strategy. It makes sense towards what its focusing on, sales. This is life and just a little bit different. Hope is a strategy. I found this article which explains it best. It gives a solid description and definition of hope and how to apply it. Read it and just live your life.

https://hbr.org/2012/10/hope-is-a-strategy-well-sort-o/